Monday, July 30, 2007

It doesn't help falling sick when the ticking time bomb for A's is running out.

Not to mention ever ill-disciplined me, combined with the fact that your eyes are red and you look like the resident evil. The continuous watering of the eyes from the first eye infection of my life ( I dun even know why, i dun wear contacts x.x) makes me pray really hard i never get it again. With fever, waking up is a pain and sleeping is bliss.

But when i take a step back and look at these two days, other than feeling guilty from not touching my work nearly at all (except finishing hypo testing! :D), I think that i've spent it in a different and rather meaningful way.

I've finally had the time to lay back and think. What am i going to do with my life? How am i living this life in a meaningful way? Joyfully? Griping? Have i lived the life i was made to live? I think these questions lead me to turn to God a lot more, seeing past some illusions and delusions, maybe seeing places which i lack, seeing how my life can be lived differently. Passing the wheel on to a friend i can trust is much more meaningful than living it like anybody else :)

Did you know that Love is the promise of pain. You can't love without sacrifice, face it, stop living in your lil utopian imagination and wake up. Love may be an "oh-so-wonderful" idea but do you really see love for love?

We can't learn to love or learn to trust. Because learning to love or trust is simply to love or trust. You can't take steps, you've gotta leap right into it. I mean if you keep testing the water, you'll never learn how to swim, you've gotta just hop into it and live it. Live the dream.

The burden of studies hasn't stopped pushing, considering i'm pretty down on studies and i'm simply struggling, but that doesn't mean that i should just leave it. I've gotta keep my head down and start walking. Walking walking.

I've realised a new way to use the standby notes in my phone :) it just gives me a new smile everyday now :D

Wanna thank everyone who has given me a message or shown concern today :), just wanna say that every message brought a smile to my face and a spark in the difficulty of being awake. Thank you all so much esp Junhong, Jer and so many others. :)

Hope to see you guys soon!

I shall stop looking like a resident evil!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Are you going to live your life counting or are you going to live to make it count?

Today's service was a great and amazing refreshment to the dreary days that i seem to be facing these days. The simple message is one that is sometimes forgotten and which i was reminded of so much today!

You are my Father and my Friend.
My very best friend.
Someone who is not always up there but probably down here right by my shoulder.
Someone who hears, understands and lives up to His promises.

I saw the big miracle today!

"To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all man so that by all possible means i might save some."

I loved the time spent laughing with my brothers and sisters! I think we all laughed until we got stomach aches. The joy is irreplaceable, the love is indescribable, the passion is unmistakable. Despite the shock which i really admired the reactions of two people. :) Thank God for you two! :D

Desire, desire, desire!

I really saw your unhappiness today.... but i was hoping that you would overcome it. I will be praying for you.

God, i can't explain how i feel. Probably just one word which i was thinking of all the way home.

Conviction.

The way of the barbarian.
Just go and live it.
No regrets.
Never.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I've finally gotten down to writing about the most stunning and emotional week i've had in probably all 18 years i've lived.

Thursday and Friday were two days that were huge emotional rollercoasters.

Thursday a day of disappointment and short lived tears of bitter disappointment, a painful return from what was put in through those fateful June holidays.

Friday, a day that still feels unreal to me, a day which showed 6 years of hard work, of sweat, blood and tears, rewarded for the first time.

It seemed like a blur.
" Cinderella Man", a movie of a boxer who wouldn't quit, inspired. I remember standing up before Braddock's last fight, think abt myself 3 hours later in a ring of my own. I couldn't help jumping and moving my limbs as if to warm them up, because i was thinking, picturing what was to happen. I think my teammates were restless as well, moving, it seemed like an unspoken message, the same message which echoed through our minds.

Then we were on the bus, i sat, mind restlessly thinking, eyes fixated out the window. The comfortable silence, comforted me for that short bus ride, for i knew what was to come was a challenge that i awaited, a challenge that i dreaded, yet looked forward to at the same time.

We got to the hall.
I sat down. Slept. Got up. Slept. Got up again.
Then i prayed, felt calmer. Prayed again for God to do His work and to lend me His strength. Then i felt steadier, readier, not rid of nervousness but at least firm in what i was to do.

Then it began. The C girls and boys cruised to victory, kudos to both sides who did well. Although it was morale boosting, to me i was a lil numb. My mind slowly numbing the effects of other sources of agitation. I closed my eyes at the cheers of the crowd as i felt a tingling sensation run through my body. I wanted to just feel it for the last time in six years. Feed on it before i went into my own fight, not being able to notice anything else.

Then the B girls stepped in. And we went outside.
I forced myself not to peek through the doors. No distractions. Thomas was there measuring our heartbeats as we warmed up. Some of us warmed up and stood there. For a moment, we all stopped, Carl against the wall, Velden just a few feet away, i was just beside and we were all quietly standing there. There were no words, no movements, just silence as you could feel the thoughts on the bout to come flowing.

I remember the words Velden spoke, " I just feel that it'll be different this time round." The truth is the scars from the loss of the C boys and B boys titles were more painful than ever, making me more fearful and nervous. I'm sure it was the same for some if not all of us. At the same time it was exciting. The last event of 6 years. The last chance to prove ourselves. The last chance to show that we could do it, that we weren't going to give in to painful thoughts or memories, or to expectations of us not to win. I remember walking along the corridor a few days earlier, hearing people discuss about us. " Are you sure they can win? They lost before leh." I heard it clearly, and it came back to haunt me. But it was going to be different.

Then it was us. Walking in to watch the A girls, a result which was the most underserving to a batch which had worked so hard and come so far. They trained more often and so hard that it was admirable to me. Seeing them in tears, brought unspeakable feelings to my heart. There were no words which i could find to comfort, no words that were enough to fill the pain. We went through it before. Its too unique to be replaced. But i know that in my eyes, these A girls are the champions beyond a doubt.

The feeling that coursed through my heart when the A girls bout ended really pushed me and probably all of us on. The nervousness in my heart was mostly gone. Anticipation. The crowds cheers. It felt familiar. I looked across to see the supposed favourites. I don't think we cared too much for it. I remember Yongkeong shouting to us as we did our last cheer, " This is our last chance for revenge." That was the last thign that registered before it began.

Velden stepped in. And the heartstopper begun. But it way exceeded our predictions as it ended with a stunning ippon. The crowd and the team went wild. 1-0. A way which we never expected to start the match but totally magical.

Wanzie stepped in. Breathtaking 1 min of danger before he finished it beautifully and we were just amazed. Throats hoarse from shouting in pure delight and excitement. 2-0. Just one more step.

Jit stepped in. And it was close. Down by a Koka until the last 14 seconds, a mistake of going down on his knees cost Jit's opponent a fatal shido. As we count down, 5,4,3...2...1. Then it was over. I jumped up in pure happiness. I could feel the emotions whirling in me. Sir was out of the chair, jumping up as well. We won.

Even though, i screwed up my bout making a fatal mistake in the last 14 seconds. To me, in my mind i guess somehow it didn't really matter. After we ended, we stepped out and the tears flowed. Uncontrollably, we hugged each other and just teared. I remember hearing, " We won! We won!" somewhere around me... but it was just too amazing.

When they announced, the winner for the A division boys, it was a dream come true.

A team that made a difference.
Thomas,Jit,Velden,Carl,Wanpeng,Nigel,Yk.
These 6 years ended beautifully... in an ending we hoped and worked for. In one we had looked forward to all these years. The complaints, the pains and muscle aches. All worth it. 6 years in 3 minutes. Every camp worth 10 seconds in that bout. It was just worth it.

Thank God for honouring this prayer and for standing by me through the rough and providing with the amazing. Sustaining me with your peace and holding me in your love. It was an amazing journey, but this journey was not only undertaken with me and the team, but also with God who held me.

Thank you:)

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Everyday is a new challenge.

In the stressful situations, the worst of you comes out. I guess that's where you see what's beneath your "wonderful" exterior. I've been tempted into losing my anger, feeling frustrated at home and being snappy. I just took an extra long bath. Sat down on the floor and prayed. I didn't know what to do.

The finals are looming ahead. We are all equally worried, excited, and not knowing how things would turn out. Not to mention the teachers are pushing extra hard for things to be done. It just doesn't help but i know its not an excuse to slack off schoolwork.

In these times, i really only turn to look up.

I can only hope that i'll be able to pay attention to lessons with the constant thoughts that cross my mind. I was half there throughout the entire math lesson. Blocks haven't turned out very well, in fact i probably did worse in spite of my efforts.

But in it all i know without Him, i wouldn't even be able to last till now. I face these things for a reason. I intend to overcome them.

Thank Him in all situations for He is good(:

I can do this.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

4 words hit me hard today.

" If you are willing."
Sometimes we ask wantonly without thinking of who is the ultimate giver and who is the taker? We just keep asking and asking in everyday prayer. Sometimes its like you receiving a free gift yet you continue to ask for more. The thing we don't notice sometimes is who exactly leads us? Me or Him?

In Matthew, a man of leprosy said to Jesus, " If you will heal me, heal me."
Without hesitation was the reply. " I am willing"
This grace and love which abounds leads to the unwavering and unthinking reply. I will. Without a doubt. That is why i trust in Him, because he never lets me down.

I am truly caught in a mercy fallout.
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Had a very nice talk with Samuel today. (: Examining your life brings a lot of thoughts. Sometimes things you've thought of before, some new, but you always gain different perspectives. Being willing to step up is one thing, being ready is another. But ready or not, i always believe that desire can overcome all the obstacles in the way. Its always about whether you hunger for something enough to go for it. Yeah maybe this impulsive nature is what makes me flawed. Time to check it but not restrain it :)

The reason behind it also lies in something i rmbred all this time. Someone once said that although he might not be as talented or gifted as those in his team but one thing he refused to lose out was desire. I feel the same way. I may not be talented or very well equipped but i want to make sure that in the area i can be equipped, i want to be armed to the very best.

I don't want to falter. Its hard but i know i must overcome it.

Today was one of the better days, not too long but the results that came back weren't too good. I don't want to worry about them cause there's no point. I'll just leave it in your hands. What i can do is to try harder.

Try harder.
Move faster.
And trust.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Everyone enjoys fireworks, the brilliant burst of energy surging in the air.
Everyone sees the beauty in the sakura, a pink flower which blossoms beautifully.

But hardly anyone sees the beauty in a candle, a single unwavering flame.

Fireworks are just for a moment, sparked off beautifully for only for that moment. It doesn't sustain, it just gives and dies away. The steady flame of a candle, tho ordinary is unwavering. The golden flame simply burns and is a light to all those in the dark. It doesn't waver but acts as a guide in a dark room. That is the simple beauty of a candle.

Its exactly the same as how we live for God. We can all burst out in excitement and die off after a while, start having all the old insecurities, the old thots and complaints and totally miss the point. We start to forget way too easily of how far we've come, but that's only human. But the good thing about humans is that they can choose. They can see their mistakes and once again resume the race or they can just give up and die off.

Fireworks for a moment. A candle unwavering for hours.

I would rather be the candle.
I would rather finish the race than to regret not running it.

50 years later do you want to regret not getting on the car?

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School and cca... both of which are getting extremely stressful and tiring. I've been barely awake during some lessons, just struggling to retain an amount of energy to last the day. Mugging has been slotted into random spare times. Not to mention an increasing need to practice the piano which sees an exam coming up on the 27th of august. Life isn't too fantastic if you ask me. But then again he always has a penchant of being a tad too troublesome.

But in all things there are the little joys to put my heart into. Like i heard a story the other day by my math lecturer ironically haha :P, there is a silver lining to every cloud. If you come back with failures, you can tell your dad, hey your son didn't cheat. Funny tho it may be, the inherent value when seen from another perspective is there more than ever.

There is a silver lining in every cloud. For my case the lining seems to be God-shaped. Everytime i fall, i don't feel despair, instead i feel comfort and motivation. Everytime i struggle, I hold on to that joy that is given so freely to me. Everytime i go through a bad day, i know at the back of my mind that i always have people to turn to, my beloved second family :). Every week has its bright spots, it just takes a trained eye to see them.

Like i learnt from the book, " Life you've always wanted", the question is always are you willing to "turn aside" to notice? To see the prescence of another by your side? To see the bright side?

Its never easy no doubt, but the results may be more rewarding than you may have ever thought.
Just a view from the playground :)
Streaking across the sky...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The vicious churning of water under the pristine surface.

God, help me.

I don't know what else to type.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Who weeps for the 164,000 people in 1999?
Who remembers or hears of their sacrifice?
Who knows what they died for?
Who understands what they died for?
I read some of their stories and all i feel is the wrenching of my heart.

I'm lucky enough to be born right here, on this island of safety, to be chosen to do this work. Do i do all i can? I don't even have to go to their extreme to do what they set out to do. Another time i ask you, what am i doing? This is not enough.

I've spent the last few days devouring a borrowed book, only to find much more than i expected to find. Life is much more than i thought it was. Every time i take one step forward, I find something that i've never expected to see.
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" Remember the Lord's people who are in jail and be concerned for them. Don't forget those who are suffering, but imagine that you are there with them."
- Hebrews 13:3

Whenever i see it in my mind's eye, I cringe and feel like tearing at times because I know that its inhumane and i would probably not survive through it. If you ask me what moves me the most of what i believe in, it probably is shown the most in this short excerpt.

[ A communist officer told a Christian he was beating, " I am almighty, as you suppose your God to be. I can kill you."
The Christian answered," The power is all on my side. I can love you while you torture me to death.]
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JUNHONG! THE OTHER KOMPANY BODY GUARD!:)

Thank you for always being such a caring and lasting brother :) For all the times you've listened and given advice! Jiayou and may you be blessed greatly for A's this year and hang in there! I'll be praying for you :). Thank you for walk walking so much with me through this year and being such a great friend :) Will always be there when you need me.:)
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What does it mean to live a life of love?
To love the unlovable.
To trust, persevere, care and do your best through all circumstances.
Not humanely possible.
We are flawed.
But possible if i try.
If i try with something else in my life, it may just be possible.
I want to take my gamble.
Let's try.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Transformers is one of the BEST MOVIES EVER!
MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ARE BACK! OMG!
HAHA! Autobots roll out!
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I think it dawned on me how much it meant for God to give His one and only Son for us.

Super exhausted from training and i was just sitting downstairs at the playground looking up at the sky. I love looking at the sky because its just azure and the clouds are beautiful especially in the evenings when they just turn fiery orange or gentle pink. I saw this one which looked like a comet streaking past when i was going home from school today and i thought it was just beautiful. The pictures made by my one and only :)

I will never forget that you'll always be there,
Always, Always and forever.

Monday, July 02, 2007

I enjoyed the company of Tracee and JX today at Marina mugging, thanks for always being great mugging partners esp over the last few days:) Thanks for the file!

Haha its a miracle they got me to file, because if you know how i am, My papers are always all over the place :P Well when i got down to it, the stack was much thicker than i thot x.x With still more yet to come!

Today as i was trundling down the path from the MRT to my house ( which is one superrrrrrrr long hill), i thought to myself how scary it is to just slowly, slowly lose myself in all that needs to be done. Its scary how we unknowingly slide away. The times I said, "I've got to do this on my own", or "I'm alone in this" to myself too many times for my own comfort. But now i know better. Thank You for reminding me, because i think i really needed the wake up call :)

Sometimes man puts too much worry into play... Worried about marriage, life, work, so many things... its logical because you have no control. That's why i rather give the control to someone who can and whom i can trust.

Let your will not mine be done