Thursday, May 31, 2007

This is the last thing i will do today.

Sorry to all the prac pples! Overslept coz of fever.

Sometimes Man walks on a road of comfort, seeming blanketed with a red carpet, at that time, he needs nothing else, he sees nothing else. Because he chooses what he sees. Suddenly, it comes to an abrupt end and pebbles, obstacles and walls stand in his way, and he stumbles along. As the mountains and obstacles get higher and higher, despair sets in and he suddenly finds himself tired. Tired of trying, tired of fighting, after all what's the point, i don't see the end in sight. You ask why, why is this happen, where is my hope?

At that time, you hear a voice calling your name. You wonder who it is, you can't see in the darkness of the tunnel. You hear something striking the stone above as a tiny hole appears and light streams in. You see a man before you, scarred by thorns and sharp shards of rock. He gives you a smile, as he trudges on clearing away the things that might hurt you even more. You realise that what you've been going through, is barely the minimum. He has reached out with his bare hands and removed all the thorns from every wall you face, removed every rock shard from every mountain you climb. When you can't see, he creates the light for you. When you are walking on that red carpet, he is the one who lays it for you.

That is what Jesus is to me.

I'm sorry to have been complacent at times. I'm sorry to have been contented in my comfort and when i chose not to see the things that you have done. I am perfectly imperfect, jsut the way you made me, but despite that, you didn't hate me or throw me away, but you protected me, the doll which was crudely made of clay, not very beautiful in any way, but you loved me the same.

Thank you for standing by me through this afternoon's illness. Listening to me every cry, my every song, my every plea. Thank you for bearing it for me and with me, thank you for letting me feel better. Thank you for just being there for me, even when my appreciation was not there. Thank you for ALWAYS being there. If there's anyone i can lean on for sure, its You.

Haha, today let me see something very real and this is why i dedicate this post to my Father up there. The pain that i went through today, couldn't have been overcome without Him.
These hands.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Today was some crazy day.

I was late for training, well a bit late only but still... Was absolutely tired out after that and was hoping for a break in the afternoon but lo and behold there were piano lessons when my teacher's message came in at about 12 that lessons were at 330.

At that period of time, I was just totally zonked out and a lil grumped out i guess, so i dragged myself home for a 15 min lunch and packed and zoomed out of the house again. And for the first few times, I think i was pretty pissed during piano class. It definitely wasn't the right emotion to be in but i was partially zonked, partially despairing, partially angry. I couldn't concentrate on whatever iwas playing, I couldn't play anything properly even though i knew the notes and i knew what to play. I just couldn't move and i could only repeat scale i had to play to myself twice before pressing the correct note. Stumbling too. I'm sorry i was a lil pissed tho because i shouldn't have been :(. But it felt quite horrendous then...

When i got out of class, I prayed on the way to dhoby, i was past the edge, zoned out and totally unsure of how i was going to cope with prac and I just prayed that He would sustain me and let me just put my heart into it even with the untimely sore throat. Reached dhoby and mugged a bit of SATS with Tracy and Fungg before going on for prac at 7.

And it was a blessing. Such a huge blessing :) A big THANK YOU to the prac people :) coz it was fun and quite a crazy time, just singing our stuff and figuring out harmonies :P Which was a bit havocky :D but crazy nonetheless. Just energized by all the fun people and encouraged by our new DL :P ( thanks for the drinks :P). Had a really nice talk with song partner, Melvin and i really thank God for all the little things and people that He put around me today. The way He saw me through all things, and answering the many random prayers all of these days.

Today's post is a bit of a break of tradition haha just felt just narrating everything that went on today. Because the extreme feelings are sorta undescribable and i just can't explain how good God is, not simply because of what He does, not simply for His blessings but simply because He is who He is, our Creator, our Healer, and Our everloving Father.

Just that simple.

Thank you for putting obstacles in my life.
Thank you for seeing me through all the random tough times.
Thank you for seeing past my flaws.
Thank you for being faithful to me.
Thank you for forgiving me.
Thank you for putting me above all else.
Thank you for giving.
Thank you for sacrificing.
Thank you for loving me :)

Love you, Jesus :)

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Choir concert was great today :)

They were really quite amazing, with the voices echoing in the beautifully structured Esplanade. Mate Saule was stuck in my head for a while :) Jaacobin was pretty unique especially with all the voice control, kudos to vonne :D

But i think the song that hit me most was the last song, which was called something like " Touching Heaven, Changing Earth" or something. I can't rmbr the exact name but it was something to do with Heaven and Earth. :P But the grandeur was there and it just made me thing of nature which God made. Everything, tree, plants, the greatest waterfalls, the tallest mountains, the darkest oceans, the deepest cave, to the smallest organism, plankton, bacteria. Every was perfectly made. It was JUST nice. Like scientists have said, with only a millionth of billionth percent of error, nothing could live. But it was just put there just enough to survive and grow and live. The song was so grand and it struck a chord in my heart. How much have i turned to You this week? Have i come with the correct heart? Have i learnt what it is to be changed? Have i heard and forgot? A lot of questions for me to answer.

But i think another feeling that came up would be that all good things would have to come to an end. At the end of it all, i think amidst the relief, the choir people would feel a sense of relunctance or longing as well maybe. Haha, all the memories. To me, its just a few more months with my class, my caregroup, people familiar to me. Just a few more months. One more camp. Two more training camps. One more competition. Not too much more. But its so short. I'm just afraid all the things that i have to do, the pressures and other random things, will make these days go by uncherished. I know i would regret that.

Thinking about competition. I do feel worried honestly. Because of many things. There's no can do.

All good things must come to an end.

But i look forward.

Excited for tmr nite! :D HAHA!

OH well :D

I love You and I saw what you wanted me to see tonight :)

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Recently, things have not gone exactly the best for me.

A lot of thoughts seem to be popping up far and in between, on friendships especially. When longstanding faith in some friends have been faded and waned, I'm not very sure of some things anymore.

But these things can't rock my boat.

I can do this.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I don't know how to describe my days nowadays. They just seem to be a blink of an eye.

The happy times, like laughing with junhong while doing our SKW work and being irritated endlessly by random people who can't decide whether they want to come in or go out, the times when i laughed with the class at all sorts of random things.

The times which was not so nice. The constant rush... the slow deterioration of some things and the physical weariness which trails me. Especially that very morning where thoughts assaulted my mind, some thoughts horrifying, others disturbing and pressing. But i think i couldn't have held it off without You.

I want to go to somewhere quiet and cry out... just shout it all out. Cramped up inside. I really feel like it.

I don't really know how to describe how i feel.

I don't know who is there.

I don't know what i can do.

But i know i can put my hope and turn to You.

Cling on desperately, like its a lifeline and pray that it will happen.

Love is not always seen, not always felt, until you realise someone is pouring it in for you.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

If you don't stand up for Him, who will?

If we don't take ownership who will?

This is the life we live and we choose how to live it.

I choose to live it for You

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Inner turmoil

Just hold me close to You

And never let me go.
Because i need you so much now.
The beautiful sunrise... frosty cold but eeriely beautiful :)...
The endless sea.
I miss Russia all of a sudden...

Monday, May 14, 2007

What is life without love?

Not romantic love only of course :P

How bout the love which friends share?
How bout the love of being brought up by ever caring parents?
The love that is showered and received.

Freely you have received, freely give.

Have you loved today?
Thank you =D

Saturday, May 12, 2007

I am now convicted.

Evax is a lifestyle.

When i crack down,
You lift me up higher than before

Friday, May 11, 2007

I walked home a different route today as i dropped one stop too far from my usual. It was just barely an hour ago as i clumsily stumbled off the bus, cluttered with various bags, sleepy and tired out from the tertiary talk.

As i walked on the road back and passed by the playground just metres away from my block, I stopped at my tracks and looked up. Around me. Every flat. Some lighted, some dark. They all seemed like they were reaching for the sky, with a few small stars which are miracles to be seen in all-too-bright Singapore. I don't know why but the comforting silence simply showed me how wonderful God is and his dream for the world as well...

He created the beauty of the night, every tree, every blade of grass with precision and his beloved creation, the people and lives that were living in every single home. But when Jesus came down, He couldn't win the world. But he left his legacy in his ministry. In every single one of us.

I think back to Encounter when Daniel told Central of a scenario when we walk into an MRT station and everyone there was saved. And we could wave and say hi to every passing person because Hope gave them hope and love and so much more like this church has given me. Imagine how beautiful it would be.

It made me realise something as well.

hey people, 60, are we going or not?
Let's do our very best :)

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

When your wearing the wrong pair of glasses, you see images which are doubled, hideous and deformed. You are dizzy, unfocused and totally lost, tired and perhaps angry.

But when someone pops a new pair, your eyes refocus, the rainbow looks beautiful, nature comforts you, the sky is ever azure, the sea ever majestic. God made it all. But you saw its beauty only due to the blessing of your lens.


Aren't we short-sighted sometimes, limited to our own myopic vision? When we stop thinking of the norm and change our lenses, we see the beauty that God has given to us. Every wave of the ocean, every singing bird and every fluffy cloud. Another day to smile at.

Stop counting the whinings and start counting the blessings.

Tough it might be but its what brings joy :)

Sunday, May 06, 2007

A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

A question hangs in my heart when i read this verse.

When i have nothing else, I only have You.
Please bring to me that unspoken prayer.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Responsibilities.

I never knew they caused me to hold on to so much, and feel tired so much. Today, He told me to put it all down. When i did for that moment, it felt like a load was lifted and the cool air seemed light. No worries, no pride, no thoughts of what to do next, only with eyes fixed one place, with ears listening to one song, with a heart focused on one thing.

It was indescribable, it felt like I walked back into day one and i just couldn't help but to tear. Serving is good but sometimes serving makes you too tied up to look in the correct places when your focus goes wrong. Its so easy to become like Mary. But do you have enough focus to be like Martha?

I asked for so much today. I haven't felt this way for ages. Svc touched my heart, changed my soul, and God spoke clearly to me. The tingling feeling, the cool air and the voices and one very different voice. Mix of feelings, weariness and finally, just a passion. Just one passion.

Fighting pride so hard. The subconscious pride where you can hardly get rid of, but resist against. Focusing on shielding it all out within those shields which shield me from things tangible and intangible alike.

I feel like i stepped into Nexus for the first time again.

I love CE2 the mad bunch of people with me :)

Thank you ALL so very much for being in my family :)

Friday, May 04, 2007

Humility. Just simply being humbled in your prescence.

Pride comes before a fall. Humility comes only from the wise.

I am so flawed, so very flawed, but all i want to do is to be humbled and lay it before all else, in His sight. So many mistakes again and again, yet he sees, forgives and heals.

This week has been hectic, finishing tutorials have felt pretty good i must say. Needless to say, the amazing4 geog essays in one night, econs tutorial and math tutorial completion is a huge blessing and allows me to really feel contented that i need not rush for tutorials and a peace of heart that i need not panic.

I just want to do well. I want to change myself. Constantly to improve and grow.

We are like cups. Whenever we get prideful, we change our cups to small ones. But when we humble ourselves down, to learn from everyone or simply to first listen then speak or being humbled by God, we change our cups for bigger ones so that more water can flow in and fill them. Slowly and surely, never giving up.

Because you never did on me.

Considering singing auditions. Feels a bit bu zi liang li, not that i can sing or anything. But I just want to do it because i love it and I love doing it especially for one. But when i come to think of the other factors, there is much to consider. Schoolwork, ministry, cca, can i handle this if i give it a shot? Worrying isn't gonna make any sense, but trusting will go a long long way more.

Lead me where you want me.
Take the wheel.

I trust in you and you alone :)

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I haven't grown one bit.

Still a kid in some ways in my own right, for some reason unknown. Too insensitive, too complainy. I've been trying to shake it off for a long time but it sticks, because somehow i vent it in that way. An error which needs changing.
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Sometimes we hear but we don't listen.

Who then listens?
Those who care.

He listens. He doesn't just hear but he digests it, nods at it, knows its familiarity and reminds you. Where are you heading? What are you doing? Why?

When we turn to people, a) we're satisfied, b) we're left disappointed based on our own expectations, c) we're left utterly confused as from the start. But that's expected because no one's perfect.

But we realise that when option A appears, it only happens when the person listens. Not just hearing and throwing out a random solution, not just shrugging it off as the simplest thing ever, but accepting, empathizing and providing. Listening is never simple. How often have i listened? But there's one person who never disappoints.

Thank You for reminding me that I always have Your ears open to me... through the days that dragged by, J2 life is becoming more than a simple stroll. More than a rocky path but closer to an obstacle course. Challenged in so many different ways, with only one constant pillar. My mind has relied on the wrong places, trust put in the most testing areas. But one love never changes, never wavers, never fails and never expects anything in return.

One love from You.

" Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."

Thank you for listening