Tuesday, April 25, 2006
24th April
I admit. I haven't been spending time with the family much or at all. Sometimes i think its me. Going out with them, doing things they like, i just dun feel right.... when i do, i realise that it'll end up with someone getting angry with me, or i'll just end up with myself thinking of my own thoughts. Am i wrong? Oh Lord, please help me....
He requires a feeling that he has a hold on me... I need to have enough discipline to make a soldier out of me. My duty is to study and nothing else. Everything i truly loved, truly had a passion for it, he didn't like me doing it. Since i was a kid till now. I know I'm not fully mature but i think i can think and judge and feel now. Maybe i have feelings and thoughts now all right?
I only felt 3 flashes of pain when he started shouting at me. He apologised afterwards for his anger. And he started lecturing me abt what i should do of course... i listened. He had been of course searching thru my chat logs and maybe this blog. Which is why a lock will be placed really soon. Of course, i don't feel anger at him. I feel more disappointed, more sorrow.... Just sad... We never really got along with him disciplining me throughout my childhood.
You don't understand me. To me, I'm still the kid plays games 24/7. The kid who goes out and plays but never studies. To you i haven't grown. The side of me you've never seen. You wish to see it but i can never show you because you never trust me. Thus i can't trust you. My heart barred. My thoughts locked. My spirit chained like a dog. But my will is always alive. Your apology will not be able to destroy the wall which separates me from you. The grudges that you held for me hurt me like never before. I haven't matured. But i am growing. Have you seen it yet? But yet, I would pray for you. For our family. I love you guys even though i would never be able to say it. But i will be quietly praying.
I am sorry to everyone , all my friends and family, for all the times i hurt you with my words or actions. I'm sorry if any of my actions and words were insensitive. I'm sorry. I will change and grow up through all these years. I hope that you guys will be with me through this journey of life.
This post is the reflection of my heart. Maybe its too serious. Maybe it exposes too much of myself within it. Maybe to anyone reading this, it is only an article of the thoughts of a boy who is on his journey. But to this boy, this post will forever be something for me to look back and to reflect upon. This is my heart.
Oh Lord, please bless everyone on this earth, to let them live happily. Please aid me on this journey of Life as well. Please be with me and thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you and praise you Lord. Amen.
